PUNS FOR FUN

• Two Eskimos in a kayak got chilly, lit a fire and sank it -- proving that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too.

• Some chess enthusiasts staying overnight at the same hotel went to the lobby to talk about recent victories. After about an hour, a manager told them to disperse. "Why?" they asked. “Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.

• At a time when the Tates Watch Company was known for its highly reliable pocket watches, the executives decided to start making compasses for pioneers heading west. The watches remained very dependable, but the compasses were so bad that people bound for California often wound up far north in Canada or south in Mexico. That’s why it is said, "He who has a Tates is lost!"

• Some friars behind on their belfry payments decided to open a small florist shop to raise money and many people in the area began patronizing the "men of God." A rival florist claimed unfair competition and asked them to shut down, but they refused twice.  So he hired Hugh Taggart, the town’s toughest thug, to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat them up, trashed their store and said he’d do it again unless they close. That did it. They folded -- proving that Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.

• A thief broke into a police station one night and stole all the lavatory equipment. Said a spokesperson: "We have absolutely nothing to go on."

• An Indian chief felt sick, so he summoned the medicine man. After his examination, the medicine man took out a long, thin strip of elk hide and gave it to the chief, telling him to bite off, chew and swallow one inch of the leather every day. A month later, the medicine man came back and asked how the chief was feeling. The chief shrugged, saying "The thong is ended, but the malady lingers on."

• A famous Viking explorer came home from a voyage and found his name missing from the town register. When his wife complained to a local official, he apologized profusely saying, "I must have taken Leif off my census."

• Three Indian squaws always went to sleep in the same area, but one lay on a deer skin. one on an elk skin, and one on a hippopotamus skin. They all got pregnant at the same time. Each of the first two women gave birth to a boy, but the third delivered twin boys – proving that the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides.

• Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed in the cotton fields, never amounted to much, and was  known as the lesser of two weevils.

• An unhappy man sent ten different puns to friends, in the hope that at least one would make them laugh. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

• If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen are defrocked,  how about delighted electricians, denoted musicians, deranged cowboys and depressed dry cleaners?
  
• Despite rumors to the contrary, a mime is really a very satisfying thing to waste.

• A man's home IS his castle in a manor of speaking

• A pessimist's blood type is almost always b-negative.

• You like making pottery, but to me it's just kiln time.

• Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.

• He fired his masseuse. She rubbed him a wrong way.

• A shotgun wedding means wife or death.

• He worked in a blanket factory until it folded.

• If a lumberjack can't hack it, should he get the axe?

• One man's folly is another man's wife.

• Is dancing cheek-to-cheek a form of floor play?

• Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

• A successful diet is a triumph of mind over platter.

• Banks with different rates have a conflict of interest.

• Would life without geometry be just pointless?

• Is dreaming in color a pigment of your imagination?

• When two egotists meet, they don't talk about other people, but is it an I for an I?

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ENGLISH IS TOUGH TO LEARN

•  The dump was full. It had to refuse more refuse.
  
• He could lead if he would get the lead out.

• The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.

• No time like the present, so present the present.

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• They were too close to the door to close it.

• Bucks do funny things when does are present.

• Quicksand can work slowly.

• Why do people recite at a play and play at a recital?

• How can overlook and oversee be opposites, while quite a lot and quite a few are alike?

• How can the weather be hot as hell one day and cold as hell another? 

• You have to marvel at a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, and you fill in a form by filling it out, and in which an alarm goes off by going on.