JUST FOR LAUGHS
hOney funnies
- A married man and his secretary were having an affair and went to her place one afternoon. They fell asleep and did not wake up until 8 PM. He began to get dressed in a rush and told her to go out and rub grass and dirt on his shoes. When he got home, his wife was angry. "Where have you been, why are you so late," she demanded. "I can't lie," he replied, "I'm having an affair with my secretary. I was with her all afternoon." His wife was shocked -- until she looked down, saw his shoes and yelled, "You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!"
- My wife was in the kitchen preparing our usual soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast. She was wearing only the 'T' shirt that she slept in. As I walked in, she said, "You've got to make love to me right now." So I quickly embraced her and gave it my all right on the kitchen table. "Thanks," she said afterwards and went to the stove. Happy, but puzzled, I asked, "What was that all about?" Smiling, she explained, "The egg timer's broken."
- A middle-aged couple with two beautiful daughters also wanted a son, so they decided to try for a third child. She got pregnant before long, and they were delighted when the doctor told them they'd be getting a boy. As soon as it was born, the husband rushed to the nursery. But soon he hurried back to her hospital room. "That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen," he yelled. "No way that I'm the father. Look at our beautiful daughters. Did you have an affair?" With a smile, she replied: "Not this time!"
- A husband wanted to see his wife in a sexy new negligee, so he went shopping, spent $500 for an ultra-sheer model and took it home. He gave it to her that night and told her to put it on so that he could see how nice she looked. But when she saw how sheer it was, she decided to try to fool him by coming back wearing nothing at all. If he couldn't tell, she'd return the negligee and keep a $500 refund. So she came to the bedroom naked and struck a provocative pose. The man shouted, 'Good Grief! For $500, you'd think they would at least iron it!' That did it. He never heard the shot. Funeral on Friday at noon. Closed coffin.
- Zack, a middle-aged mortician, had to work late one night and was saddened when he saw the body of Mr. Schwartz, a man well known in the area. Then he was startled when he saw the man's private part. It was largest Zack had ever seen! Instantly, he made an important decision. "I'm sorry Schwartz," he said aloud. "I know you'll be cremated, but I think your appendage is extraordinary and must be saved for posterity." With extra care, Zack severed it, put it in his briefcase and drove home. When he got there, he told his wife "I have to show you something you won't believe." As soon as he opened his briefcase, his wife exclaimed, "Oh God, my Schwartz is dead!"
- A woman in bed with her secret lover suddenly jumped up saying, "I hear my husband opening the front door. Hurry, go stand in the corner." As he did that, she rubbed baby oil on him, dusted him with talcum powder and told him: "Do not move until I tell you. Pretend you're a statue." As soon as the husband walked into the bedroom, he pointed and asked, "what's that?" Quickly, she said, "Oh, a new statue. The Smiths bought one and I liked it a lot. So I got one for us." No more was said about it and they went to sleep. But around 2 a.m., the husband woke up, went to the kitchen. He returned with a sandwich and a beer. "Here, have this," he said to the would-be statue, "I stood like that two days at the Smiths and nobody offered me a damned thing."
- "That'll cost you a penny," the bartender told the man who ordered a beer. "I don't believe it," said the customer, "but if that's true, I'd like to know how much it costs for a juicy steak and a big glass of your best wine." Without a smile, the bartender said it would be just a nickel. "You can't be serious. Where's the owner of this place?" the customer asked impatiently. "Upstairs, with my wife," the bartender said "Really, what is he doing with her?" asked the man. The barkeeper explained: "The same thing I'm doing here to his business."
- Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside. He looked up and said weakly: "I have something I must confess." But she stopped him, saying "There's no need." Jake insisted. "I want to die in peace. I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!" His wife took his hand. "I know," she said. "Now just rest and let the poison work."
- A woman at a cafe watched a passing funeral procession led by a hearse followed by a second hearse and then a woman in black walking beside a pit bull dog on a leash. Behind her were 200 more women walking in single file. The cafe lady was so curious that she went to the woman with the dog and asked respectfully, "would you tell me what is going on?" The woman said, "Well, the first hearse is carrying my husband. My dog attacked and killed him. The next hearse is for my mother-in-law, who tried to help my husband and the dog turned on her." After a moment of silence, the cafe woman whispered, "I want to borrow the dog." With a smile, the woman in black replied, "Get in line."
- Just as Mr. Jones was finishing a shower, he heard the doorbell. He wrapped a towel around himself and foolishly went to open the door. It was Grace, a neighbor, who instantly offered him $800 if he would take off the towel. After a few seconds to think, he removed the towel. Grace stared, gave him a fistful of cash and walked off. As he went back to the bathroom, his wife asked who rang the bell. "Just Grace," he replied, and she quickly called out, "Did she say anything about the $800 she owes me?"
- Why do men die before their wives? They want to.
- What is the punishment for bigamy? Two mothers-in-law.
- A man ran a classified ad: "Wife wanted". Next day he got 100 letters. All said: "Take mine."
- A man proudly told his friend that his wife "is an angel!" His friend replied, "You're lucky, mine's still alive."
- A boy asked his father how much it cost to get married. "I don't know, I'm still paying," he said.
- There are so many ways to impress women. Write them love letters. Hug, cuddle and hold their hands. Listen to them. Support and compliment them. Laugh and cry with them. Wine and dine them. Give them flowers and jewelry. But to impress a man, just show up naked and bring food..
- Three old men were discussing their recent sex experiences with their wives. The Italian went first. "I rubbed olive oil all over her, we made passionate love, and she screamed for 5 minutes at the end." The French man told a similar tale, but said he used butter instead of olive oil and that his wife did not stop yelling for 15 minutes when it was over. The Jewish man said he topped them both by using kosher chicken fat. That was enough to make his wife scream for 6 hours. When his friends asked if that was even possible, he said, "It was actually easy. I wiped my hands on the drapes."
- As the three construction workers took a lunch break on the scaffolding outside a skyscraper, they all complained about finding the same food every day in their lunch box. Then one, an Irishman, said he'd jump off if his wife gave him corned beef and cabbage again. A Mexican vowed to do the same if his wife gave him more burritos. The third worker, a big blond guy, agreed to follow them if he found another bologna sandwich. Unfortunately, there were no changes the next day, so all leaped to their death. People at the funerals saw the Irishman's wife and the Mexican's wife weeping, saying they didn't know how angry their husbands were. But the blond guy's wife just kept saying, "Hey, don't blame me. He always made his own lunch."
- After retiring, I went to apply for Social Security benefits. The woman behind the counter in the office asked to see my driver's license to verify my age. I realized then that I left my wallet at home. When I told the woman that and said I'd come back, she asked me to unbutton my shirt. I did, and she said, "'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me." 'Then she processed my papers. When I got home, I told my wife what happened., and she said, 'You should've dropped your pants. You might've gotten total disability, too'
- When my wife and I were at my high school reunion, she noticed that I kept staring at a drunken lady sitting alone at a nearby table and swigging drinks. Finally, she asked if I knew the woman. 'She's my old girlfriend, " I said with a sigh. "I understand she took to drinking after we split up and hasn't been sober ever since then." My wife burst out laughing, saying "My God, I can't imagine a woman could go on celebrating that long."
- I've been in love with the same man for 49 years. If my husband ever finds out, he'll kill me!
- My husband and I know how to make marriage last. Twice a week, we go to a nice restaurant. He goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays.
- Someone stole all our credit cards, but I won't report it. The thief spends less than my husband did.
- I take my husband everywhere, but he keeps finding his way back.
- My wife and I recently went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding night. Only this time, I stayed in the bathroom and cried.
- He got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.
- The doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so he gave him six more.