DIS-N-DAT

 A quiz to determine if you qualify to be a "Professional."

1. How do you put a giraffe in a refrigerator? This question is top find out if you do simple things in an overly complicated way. The answer is to open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe and close the door. 
2. How do you put an elephant in a refrigerator?  This one tests your ability to think through repercussions of your actions.  If you say open the refrigerator, put in the elephant and close the refrigerator, that would be wrong. The correct answer is to open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in the elephant and close the door.
3.  If the Lion King hosts an animal conference and all animals attend except one, which animal is not there? This question tests your memory. The correct answer is the Elephant. It is in the refrigerator. 
4.  There is a river you must cross, but it is inhabited by crocodiles. How do you manage it? This final question tests whether you learn quickly from your mistakes.  The correct answer is: You swim across. All the Crocodiles are attending the Animal Meeting. 

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ACTUAL EVALUATIONS OF CIVILIAN WORKERS 

•  This employee is at rock bottom and starting to dig.

• I would not allow this employee to breed.

• This man is not so much a has-been as a  definitely won't be.

• This young lady has delusions of adequacy.

• When she opens her mouth, it's only to change whichever  foot was previously in there.

• He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.

• This employee is depriving a village of an idiot.

• This employee should go far and the sooner, the better.

ACTUAL EVALUATIONS OF MILITARY PERSONNEL 

• Got into the gene pool when lifeguard wasn't watching.

• A room temperature IQ.

• Has  a full 6-pack, but no plastic thingy to hold it together. 

• A gross ignoramus -- 144 times worse than an ignoramus.

•  A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.

• Bright as Alaska in December.

• Gates are down, lights are flashing but train isn't coming.

• If he were more stupid, he'd need watering twice a week.

• It's hard to believe that he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm.      

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ACTUAL REPORTS BY MEDICAL SCRETARIES IN HOSPITALS

• The patient has no previous history of suicide.

•  Patient has left her white blood cells at another hospital.

•  Patient’s medical history is remarkably insignificant except for a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.

• Patient has had no chills, but her husband recalls that she was very hot in bed last night.

• Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.

•  On the second day, the knee was better, and on the third day it disappeared.

•  The patient has been depressed since we met in 1993.

• Discharge status: alive, but without my permission

• Healthy decrepit man,  69, mentally alert, but forgetful.

• Patient had waffles for breakfast and  anorexia for lunch.

• She is numb from her toes down.

• While in ER, she was examined, X-rated, and sent home

• The skin was moist and dry.

• Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.

• Patient was alert but unresponsive.

• She said she'd been constipated until she got a divorce.

• Both breasts are equal and reactive to accommodation.

• Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.

• The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

• Skin: somewhat pale, but present.

• The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.

• Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.

• Patient has two children, but no other abnormalities.

• When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.

• The patient was in usual good health until plane crashed.

• Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.

• She slipped on ice and her legs went in separate ways.

• Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Smith, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.

• The patient was to have a bowel resection, but he took a job as a stock broker instead.

• By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, and he was feeling better.

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 MOMENTS OF ZEN

• Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Or walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. And do not walk beside me, either. Just leave me alone.

• The journey of 1,000 miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.

• It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

• Sex is like air. It's unimportant unless you're not getting any.

• Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

• Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

• It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your help.

• If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

• Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're already a mile away and you have their shoes.

• If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

• Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

• If you lend someone $20, and you never see that person again, it was probably worth it.

• Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.

• Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

• We're born wet, naked, and hungry. Then it gets worse.

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POLITICS

A politician will double cross every bridge when he comes to it. --Oscar Levant 

 Liberals feel unworthy of their possessions. Conservatives feel they deserve everything they've stolen. -- Mort Sahl 

Too bad that all the people who know how to run this country are busy driving taxis and cutting hair. -- George Burns

Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself. -- Mark Twain 

I contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity is like a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by the handle. -- Winston Churchill

"Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or lives,  but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is." -- Barbara Bush, former US First Lady)

A government which robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul. -- George Bernard Shaw 

Democracy must be something more than two wolves and a sheep voting on what to have for dinner. -- Unknown 

Foreign aid might be defined as a transfer of money from poor people in rich countries to rich people in poor countries.  -- Douglas Casey, Classmate of Bill Clinton 

Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys. -- P.J. O'Rourke, Civil Libertarian  

Government is the great fiction, through which everybody endeavors to live at the expense of everybody else. -- French Economist 

Government's view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it.  -- Ronald Reagan 

I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts.  Will Rogers  If you think health care is expensive now, wait until you see what it costs when it's free. -- P.J. O'Rourke 

In general, the art of government consists of taking as much money as possible from one party of the citizens to give to the other.  -- Voltaire (1764)  

Just because you do not take an interest in politics doesn't mean politics won't take an interest in you. -- Pericles (430 B.C)  

No man's life, liberty, or property is safe while the legislature is in session. -- Mark Twain (1866) 

Talk is cheap ... except when Congress does it. Unknown 

 What this country needs is more unemployed politicians. Edward Langley, Artist (1928 - 1995) 

 A government big enough to give you everything you want, is strong enough to take everything you have. -- Thomas Jefferson

 I offer my opponents a bargain: if they will stop telling lies about us, I will stop telling the truth about them. Adlai Stevenson, 1952. 

GOLF TIPS

       1. Back straight, knees bent, feet fairly well apart.

        2. Form a loose grip, and keep your head down.

        3. Avoid a quick back swing, and try not to hit anyone.

        4. If you need lots of time,. allow people waiting to go ahead.

       Very good.  Now flush the urinal, go outside and tee off