OLDer funniES

• Herman, a senior citizen, was driving on the freeway when  his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife urgently warning, "I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 77. Please be careful!" Herman told her, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!"

• An elderly man with very serious hearing problems went to an audiologist, who examined him, gave him hearing aids and told him to return in a week for a follow up test.  When he came back, the man got good news. The doctor told him his hearing was almost perfect. "Your family must be really pleased," he said. The patient smiled as he said,  "I haven't told them. yet. I just listen to them talk. I've changed my will three times!' 

• An older Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that somebody had broken into her car.  She was very emotional as she described the situation to the dispatcher: "They stole the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!" she cried. "Stay calm, an officer is coming," the dispatcher told her. A few minutes later, the officer reported back, "Disregard, she got in the back-seat by mistake."
  
• A nurse came into a hospital room and found an older man dressed and sitting on a bed with a suitcase at his feet. He insisted he didn't need any help to leave, but she explained that use of wheel chairs was almost always required when a patient was being discharged. So he reluctantly allowed the nurse to wheel him over to the elevator. On the way down, she asked if his wife would be meeting him. "I don't know," he said. "She's still up in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown."

• Three sisters -- ages 92, 94 and 96 -- were still in good health and living in the same house when one night the oldest was drawing a bath and suddenly paused to think for a moment. "Was I getting in or out?" she yelled. "I'm not sure, I'll come up and see," the 94-year-old called. But as she started to go up the stairs, she paused too. "Was I going up or down?" she called out. The 92 year old, having a cup of tea in the kitchen by herself, heard her sisters and shook her head. "I hope I'll  never get that forgetful, knock on wood," she said. Then she yelled, "I'll come and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."

• Morris, 82, went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later, the doctor saw him walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm. A couple of days later, the doctor saw Morris again and said, 'You're really doing great." Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc: Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.'' The doctor said, 'I didn't say that.. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.' 

• An old lady was walking around a nursing home. As she passed other residents,  she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say "Supersex." She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair. Flipping her gown at him, she said, "Supersex." He sat silently a moment or two and finally answered, "I'll take the soup."

• 80-year old Bessie burst into the rec room at the retirement home, raised her clenched fist in the air and declared, "If you can guess what's in my hand, you can have sex with me tonight!!" An elderly gentleman in the rear shouted out, "An elephant?" Bessie thought a minute, then said,  "Close enough."

•  A senior citizen tells his 80-year old buddy: "I hear you're getting married, Do I know her?" "Nope!" "This woman, is she good looking?" "Not really." "Is she a good cook?" "Naw, she doesn't cook so well." "Does she have lots of money?" "Nope! Poor as a church mouse." "Well, then, is she good in bed?" "I don't know." "Then why in the world do you want to marry her?" "She can still drive!"  

• An older husband and wife were lying in bed one night. He  was falling asleep, but she was in a romantic mood. "You used to hold my hand when we were courting," she said. He reached out and held her hand for a second. "Then you used to kiss me," she said. He rolled over, gave her peck on the cheek and rolled back on his side. "Then you used to bite my neck," she said. Angry, he sat up and got out of bed. "Where are you going?" she asked. "To get my teeth!"

• Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years, they shared all kinds of activities and adventures. But lately, they'd been limited to playing cards a few times a week. One afternoon, Sarah looked at Ellen and said, "Now don't get mad at me .. I know we've been friends for a long time ....but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is." Her friend glared at her for a full minute.  Finally she asked, "How soon do you need to know?"

• They were in a large car, and both elderly women could barely see over the dashboard as they cruised along,. When they got to an intersection, a traffic light was red, but they just went on through. So the woman in the passenger seat thought, "I must be losing it. I could've sworn we just went through a red light." After a few more minutes, it happened again. The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous . At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through. So, she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred, did you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!" Mildred turned to her and said, "Crap, am I driving?" 

• Two elderly residents in a mobile home park became good friends years after their spouses died. One evening, both went to a party and he finally mustered the courage to ask, "Will you marry me?" After pausing, she said: "Yes,." But the next morning, he couldn’t remember what happened,  so he called and asked "did you say yes?" To his delight, she answered, "I said yes, and meant it with all my heart." Then she added, "And I’m so glad you called because I couldn’t remember who had asked me.”

• While chatting on a park bench. one old man asked the other, "How is your wife?" The second man said , "I think she might be dead!" Shocked, the first man asked, "What do you mean?" The second man replied, , "Well., the sex is the same, but dirty dishes in the sink are starting to pile up."

• "OLD" IS WHEN 

1. Your sweetie says, "Let's go upstairs and make love," and you answer, "Pick one; I can't do both!"
2. Friends compliment you on your alligator shoes and you are barefoot
3. A woman catches your eye and your pacemaker opens the garage door.
4. Going braless pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.
5. "Getting lucky" means you find your car in the parking lot.

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