QUOTES FOR FUN

Too bad all the people who know how to run this country are busy driving taxis and cutting hair. 

-- George Burns

Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. THAT'S relativity.

 -- Albert Einstein

Don't be humble; you are not that great.

 -- Golda Meir

Liberals feel unworthy of their possessions. Conservatives feel they deserve everything they've stolen. 

-- Mort Sahl 

Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself.

 -- Mark Twain 

I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts. 

-- Will Rogers  

I don't want any yes-men around me. I want everybody to tell me the truth, even if it costs them their jobs. 

-- Sam Goldwyn

I went on a diet, swore off drinking and heavy eating, and in 14
days I had lost exactly two weeks.

 -- Joe E. Lewis

I have enough money to last me the rest of my life -- unless I buy
something

-- Jackie Mason

The remarkable thing about my mother is that for thirty years she served us nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found.

-- Calvin Trillin

A new survey finds women feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than in front of other women. They say women are too judgmental, and men are just grateful. 

-- Robert De Niro

Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place." 

-- Billy Crystal

My girlfriend always laughs during sex, no matter what she's reading. 

 -- Steve Jobs  

It's so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say and  then don't say it

-- Sam Levenson

Let me tell you the one thing I have against Moses. He took us forty years into the desert in order to bring us to the one place in the Middle East that has no oil!

-- Golda Meir

Bankruptcy is a legal proceeding in which you put your money in your pants pocket and give your coat to your creditors. 

-- Sam Goldwyn

The brain is a wonderful organ. It starts working the moment you get up in the morning and does not stop until you get into the office. 

-- Robert Frost

A government which robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul. 

-- George Bernard Shaw 

Democracy must be something more than two wolves and a sheep voting on what to have for dinner.

 -- Unknown

A politician will double cross every bridge when he comes to it.

 -- Oscar Levant 

I contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity is like a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by the handle. 

-- Winston Churchill

Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps. 

-- Tiger Woods

I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve immortality through not dying.

 -- Woody Allen

"Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or lives,  but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is." -- Barbara Bush, former US First Lady)

See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis,
and only enough blood to run one at a time.

 -- Robin Williams

Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys. -- P.J. O'Rourke, Civil Libertarian  

Government's view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it.

-- Ronald Reagan 

If you think health care is expensive now, wait until you see what it costs when it's free. 

-- P.J. O'Rourke 

No man's life, liberty, or property is safe while the legislature is in session. 

-- Mark Twain 

Talk is cheap ... except when Congress does it.

-- Unknown 

A government big enough to give you everything you want, is strong enough to take everything you have.

 -- Thomas Jefferson

 I offer my opponents a bargain: if they will stop telling lies about us, I will stop telling the truth about them. 

-- Adlai Stevenson

                               MOTHERS OF FAMOUS PEOPLE 

COLUMBUS: "I don't care what you discovered, you STILL could have written!  

JONAH: "That's a nice story. Now tell me where you've REALLY been for the last three days."  

THOMAS EDISON: "Of course I'm proud that you invented an electric light buLb. Now turn it off and get to sleep."  

PAUL REVERE: "I don't care WHERE you have to go, young man. Midnight is past your curfew."  

MONA LISA: "After all that money your father and I spent on braces, is that the biggest smile you can give us?"  

MICHELANGELO: "Why can't you paint on WALLS like other kids? Do you have any idea how hard it is to get that stuff off the ceiling?"  

NAPOLEON:  "All right, if you aren't hiding a report card inside your jacket, take your hand out of there and show me."  

ABE LINCOLN: "Again with the stovepipe hat? Can't you wear a baseball cap like the other kids?"  

ALBERT EINSTEIN: "But it's your senior picture. Can't you do something about your hair?  Styling gel, mousse, something...?"