funny INSULTS

"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork." 

-- Mae West, actress and singer

"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it." Moses Hadas, American teacher 

"I didn't attend the funeral, but sent a nice letter saying I approved of it." 

 Mark Twain, writer  and humorist

"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But I'm afraid this wasn't it."  

Groucho Marx, comedian

When a British lawmaker told him he would "either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease," Benjamin Disraeli, the prime minister, replied: "That depends, Sir,  on whether I embrace your policies or your mistress." 

"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire." 

 Winston Churchill , statesman

"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure."  Clarence Darrow, lawyer  

"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary." 

 William Faulkner, author, about Ernest Hemingway, author

"He has no enemies but is intensely disliked by friends."

  Oscar Wilde, author 

"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend, if you have one. "  

George Bernard Shaw, playwright, to Winston Churchill

"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second... if there is one." 

 Winston Churchill, in response to Sha

"He is a self-made man and worships his creator." 

Henry Clapp, journalist

"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial." 

Irvin Cobb, humorist

"He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others." 

 Samuel Johnson, writer 

"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up."

 Paul Keating, statesman

"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?" Mark Twain 

"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go."  Oscar Wilde 

"He has Van Gogh's ear for music."  

Billy Wilder , filmmaker