LIFE FUNNIES

A small bird flying high on a frigid winter day suddenly froze and fell straight down into a pasture. As it tried to recover, a cow walked by and dropped a pile of poop on the bird. That actually was a lucky break for the bird, which soon realized it was thawing out in the warm dung. So it began to sing for joy. Unfortunately, a nearby cat heard the singing, found the bird, dug it out of the dung and ate it. So here's the lesson: not everyone pooping on you is your enemy, not everyone who gets you out of poop is a friend and keep your mouth shut if you're in deep poop.  

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One afternoon, while a turkey and a bull were having one of their occasional chats, the bird said it wished it had enough energy to fly up and into a nearby tree. The bull advised it to "nibble some my droppings, they're high on nutrients." The turkey immediately pecked at a small lump of the dung and soon found he could get to the lowest branch of the tree. On the next day, after another snack,  the turkey made it up  to the second branch. A day later, the turkey perched proudly at the top of the tree. But a farmer came along, spotted the turkey and shot it out of the tree. So don't forget, bull **** might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.

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A rabbit saw an eagle sitting near the top of a tree, resting and doing nothing. "Can I sit like you and do nothing?" the rabbit asked. "Sure, why not," the eagle answered. So, the rabbit sat down on the ground and rested. But suddenly, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it for dinner. So never forget that if you intend to just sit around and do nothing, you better be very, very high up.

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After years of helping a tribe to be self-sufficient, a missionary decided to teach English. So he took the chief for a walk in the woods. Along the way, he pointed to the trees, rocks and other things and said the English words for them. Then he asked the chief to repeat the words. It was fine until the two men heard some sounds, peeked over bushes and saw a man and woman making love. Not knowing what to say, the missionary blurted out, "riding a bike." The chief instantly killed them with a blow gun. "Oh no," shouted the missionary. "How could you murder two innocent people after all I've taught you?" The chief just  shrugged as he said, "My bike."

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Experience: Lets you spot a mistake when you make it again. 

Artificial intelligence: No match for natural stupidity.

Choosing between two evils: Pick the one you've never tried.  

Bills: They travel by mail at twice the speed of checks.

A conscience: It's what hurts when all other parts feel so good.

Opportunities: Always look bigger going out than coming in.

Junk: What you kept for years, discarded just before needed.  

The Ends: By the time you can make them meet, they moved.

Good Luck: Only way to explain success of people you dislike.

People needing help: Sure to remember you if in trouble again.

Creative problem solving:  Not exactly cheating.

Happiness: Money can buy it unless you're a poor shopper.

Enemies: Forgive them but remember their names.

The world ending today:  No, it's tomorrow already in Australia.