JUST FOR LAUGHS
faith funnies
When the new monk arrived at the monastery, he was told to help others "hand copying" old texts and he soon noticed they weren't working from original books. So, he went to the head monk and pointed out that any error in the first copy would be repeated in all others. After a pause, he said, "We've used copies for centuries, but you make a good point." Then he went into the cellar to check a copy with the original. Hours later, he still didn't come back and other monks got worried. One went down to the cellar and found the head monk staring at one of the original books, crying and repeating over and over: "Celebrate, not celibate. The word was celebrate.'"
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A newly married young man told his rabbi that he was afraid that his beautiful bride intended to poison him to death. "How can it be?" the rabbi asked, noting that he had officiated at their recent wedding and all was fine. But the man insisted, saying "I'm sure, and you have to tell me what to do." So, the Rabbi agreed to visit the woman and find out if she really planned to kill her husband with poison. A week later, he asked the man to return. "I spoke to your wife for three hours," he said. "My advice? Take the poison."
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Mrs. Donovan was walking on a busy street in Dublin when Father Flaherty saw her and came over to greet her. "Top o' the mornin," he said cheerily. "I recall marrying you and yer husband two years ago. Any little ones yet?' " Not yet, she said. "Well, I'll be in Rome next week," he said. "I'll light a fertility candle for ye and yer hoosband." Several years later, they met again. '"Hello, Mrs. Donovan, tell me if ye have wee ones yet," he said. "Oh yes, Father, two sets of twins and six more singles, ten in all!' she replied. "That is wonderful and I hope yer husband also is okay," he said with a smile. She smiled back as she said, "yes, but he just went to Rome to blow out yer damned candle.'"
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One day as Jesus walked around in Jerusalem, he decided to get a new robe, went to a shop called "Finkelstein, the Tailor" and asked to be fitted. When he returned to get it, he found that Finkelstein would not take any money. "There’s no charge for the Son of God,” he said. “But how about doing me a favor. When you deliver your sermons, mention that you got your robe here." Jesus agreed and began plugging Finkelstein robes everywhere. Months later, on his next visit to the shop, there was a long line of customers waiting outside and the owner gushed,. "Jesus, look what you did for my business." Then he suggested they become partners and open a new store "Sure, we can call it Jesus and Finkelstein," Jesus said. "Oh no," Finkelstein said, "That won't do, it’ll have to be Finkelstein & Jesus. I'm the craftsman." They debated a while, then agreed on ..…… "Lord & Taylor ."
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After chasing a speeding car, a highway patrol officer finally was able to pull it over and was surprised when he saw that the driver was a young priest. And then the officer not only smelled alcohol but saw an empty wine bottle on the front seat. "I'm sorry to say it, father, but you were speeding and evidently drinking too," the patrolman said. "Just water." the priest answered. "Then why do I smell wine?" the officer asked. "Good lord," the priest declared. "He did it again!"
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Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They're worth it.
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A drunken man was stumbling through the woods and came upon a preacher baptizing people in the river. The man walked right into the water and bumped into the preacher along the way. "You need help. are you ready to find Jesus?" the preacher yelled. "Yes, I am.," called the drunk. The preacher grabbed him, dunked him under the water, pulled him back and asked, "Brother, have you found Jesus?" When the man said no, the preacher did it again and a little longer. " Have you found Jesus, me brother?" "No, I haven't!" So the preacher did it once more, this time for about 30 seconds. "For the love of God, have you found Jesus?" The drunk staggered to his feet, wiped his eyes and coughed up a bit of water. Finally, as he caught his breath, he asked, "Are you sure this is where he fell in?"
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When the IRS called him in for a tax audit, Herman sought advice on how to dress. "Wear your worst clothing and shoes. Let them think you are a pauper," his accountant said. But his lawyer said, "Don't let them intimidate you. Wear your best suit and an expensive tie." So Herman was confused and turned to his Rabbi, who told him about a young woman who wanted advice on what to wear for her wedding night. "Her mother suggested a long, flannel nightgown going right up to her neck and wool socks," the rabbi said. "But her best friend told her to wear her sexiest negligee with a V-neck down to your navel.'" Herman did not understand: "Does this have anything to do with me and the IRS?" he asked. "Yes," said the Rabbi. "Whatever you wear, you're going to get screwed."
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Smith climbed up Mt. Sinai to get close enough to talk to God and asked the Lord. "What does a million years mean to you?" After hearing that the answer was one minute," Smith asked, "And what does a million dollars mean to you?" The Lord replied, "a penny." So Smith asked, "Can I have a penny?" God replied, "In a minute."
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An elderly Italian man wanted to unburden his guilty conscience, so he went to talk to his Rabbi. "During World War II, when Germans entered Italy, I hid my identity,” he said. “I changed my name. But I never forgot that I was a Jew, and when a beautiful Jewish woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the Germans. I let her stay in my attic and they never found her." The rabbi smiled, "That was a wonderful thing you did and you have no treason to feel guilty." But then the man said, "It's worse. I was weak and said she had to repay me with her sexual favors." Well, the rabbi replied, “You were both in danger and would have suffered terribly if the Germans had found her. There’s a balance between good and evil and you will be judged kindly. Give up your feelings of guilt." The man voiced his gratitude, then said, “I have one more question. Should I tell her the war is over?"
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Mary Clancy was in tears as she went over to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service. "So what's bothering you, my dear?" he asked. "Oh, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night." The priest took her hand. "That's terrible. Tell me, did he have any last requests?" he asked. "That he did, Father. He said, 'Please put down that gun!"
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Paddy was late for an important meeting and upset because he couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said, 'Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place, I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!'
Miraculously, a parking place appeared. Paddy looked up again and said, 'Never mind, I found one.'
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When Murphy came to Mass, the priest was shocked. "You have not been to church in years," he said, "Why today?" Murphy was ready. . "I have to be honest," he said. " I couldn't find my favorite hat and McGlynn has one just like it. I knew he'd be here like every Sunday and he'd take the hat off for Mass. I figured he'd leave it in the back and I was going to steal it after Communion." The priest was clearly troubled, but said. "Well, I notice that ya didn't steal his hat. Why not?" Murphy again explained, "Well, after your sermon on the 10 Commandments, I realized I didn't need his hat. When you talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery' I remembered where I left me hat."
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When a priest driving to church saw a nun at a bus stop, he stopped and offered her a ride. She gratefully accepted and, as she sat down, she crossed her legs in a way that partially exposed one under her gown. He decided to reach out and touch the leg. She immediately asked him if he remembered Psalm 129, and the priest removed his hand, saying "Sorry sister, but the flesh is weak." When they got to the church, the nun sighed and walked away. The priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory." So remember, if you're not well informed in your job, you can miss a great opportunity. Say what you mean, mean what you say, do what you say, get it done.
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A Sunday school teacher wondered if the children in her class understood the idea of going to heaven. So she asked them, ' If I sold my house and my car, had a garage sale and gave all the money to the church, does that get me into heaven." When the children said NO, she asked, 'If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the garden, and kept everything tidy, would that get me into heaven? Again the answer was 'NO!' She was really proud of the answers as she asked the last question: Then how can I get into heaven?' A boy shouted out: 'YUV GOTTA BE DEAD.'
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The following statements about the Bible were written by children and have not been retouched or corrected.
1. The seventh commandment is thou shall not admit adultery.
2. A Christian should have only one spouse. This is called monotony.
3. Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree.
4. Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark.
5. Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night.
6. David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought the Finklesteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times.
8. Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption.
9. Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do one to others before they do one to you.